Procrastination

I really should be reading the article I just printed out. Then I should annotate it because the annotations are due tomorrow and it's my last source. And yet, I'm updating my blog, not because anything particularly spectacular has happened as of late, but because I can.

I should give a small disclaimer at the beginning of this post: I'm having a bit of a "poor me" day. In the past few weeks I've found out about 5 new pregnancies, and I know of at least 4 other people who are due in the next 1-3 months. Most days I'm ok, but on days like today when pregnant women seem to be out in swarms I start to wonder "why not me?" Is there something in the water that I seem to be missing? Am I not meant to be somebody's mother. I think about my husband, who just turned 32, and wonder why I can't make him a father but 15 year old girls around the country are having babies with no father in the picture. I wonder why 90% of people can get pregnant with little trouble (no drugs, no tests, no procedures) and in under a year, and yet it's taken me 8 and 15 months respectively with pregnancies one and two. And then I wonder why after all that trying and waiting and relief when it finally happens why I can't seem to stay pregnant, and yet all these other women can. I know that this feeling sorry for myself doesn't really help matters any, and just makes me focus on the negatives, but today I needed to get them off my chest and on paper.

I really should focus more on my blessings, and not on my disappointments. I have a 4.0 gradepoint average since returning to school (this is a major improvement from the 3.2 I had when I graduated from BYU). Something about being married to my Christian has helped me to focus, plus I'm doing something I really love. My voice teacher spends most of my lessons telling me how amazing I am. Last week she told me that of all her voice students (which is about 20) I'm the best at Italian pronunciation. Apparently I get how to do double vowel sounds, and that's not easy for some people. Plus she's always excited that when she tells me to practice something or change something I do it (I'm not sure why this is such a big deal... but apparently she has issues with others) and that I'm making much more progress than she would normally expect from a voice student. I have one of my four songs performance ready and memorized (in only 3 weeks I might add) and the Vittoria and In His Eyes are well on their way. I've got an amazing husband who always puts me first, and a dog that keeps me laughing. I have amazing friends who care about me and listen to me. I'm especially lucky to have Audrey, who in addition to knowing me since I was 4 (or before we were born... depending on how you look at it- our parents were friends when our mom's were pregnant and went to meet Aud in the hospital while my mom was 7 months along with me), is a social worker and always knows exactly what to say. I have a great family, 3 amazing nephews and a niece due in December, and I'm healthy. All together things are GREAT in my life, I'm just being whiny today.